Trixi.com
05-04-2007, 18:41
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Posted on 4/5/2007 12:00 AM
Rickshaws: Decorah’s cure-all
http://chips.luther.edu/files/2007-04-05/rickshaw.jpg
The public transportation woes of Decorah’s incontinent and socially awkward will be cured thanks to the mayor’s new “Work to Get Well” program. Starting June 20, the city will initiate the first ever rickshaw agenda in the nation.
The program will use some of the town’s more obese citizens and give them rickshaws to pull around. It will be used to combat the ever more prevalent obesity problem in the city.
“It’s the simplest, yet most ingenious plan I’ve ever had in my life,” said Decorah Mayor John “Col. Crud” Fogerty. “We get a bunch of fat people, hook them up to rickshaws and BAM! You got yourself public transportation and weight loss control.”
The program has been in the works for nearly one hundred years of solitude but was not initiated until the city council approved it last Monday. This was the third time it was proposed to the council and the first time it was passed. It had been defeated 2-20, 2-10, then finally won 2-0.
“It’s unfortunate that 20 members of the city council contracted SARS in order for the rickshaw program to be passed, but you can’t stand in the way of innovative ideas, cause if you do ...” said Fogerty, flashing a syringe labeled “Not SARS.”
The mayor is hopeful that the rickshaw program will cure all of the city’s problems. He is so optimistic that he has allotted 90 percent of the budget to it, leaving the other 10 percent for canned ravioli and Def Leppard albums.
“There is literally no way this program won’t work. The ingenuity is in the simplicity,” said Fogerty. “You pay a fat guy $10 and he’ll take you anywhere in Decorah in under four hours with three standard ‘hot dog breaks.’”
Some Decorah residents are less optimistic about this program. Local lardo Dave McDonuteater feels the mayor is impeding upon his basic human rights.
“I’m cool with carrying people around all day to different places for meager wages, but I do not want to be thin like all those other sad saps, what with their one chin and low cholesterol — that is just no fun at all,” said McDonuteater while munching on a stick of butter.
Others are optimistic about the rickshaws, hoping it will bring revenue to the town.
“Right now all we have is Nordic Fest and the McDonald’s with the flat screens,” said Josh Dansdill (‘09), Luther student and Decorah resident. “Now don’t get me wrong, that McDonald’s is pretty great, but not rickshaw great.”
The mayor thinks this program will give Decorah national recognition.
“Though I’ve never driven outside of Decorah, I can only guess that these rickshaws will make it the greatest town in America. Well, second only to Gary, Indiana,” said Dansdill.
The mayor has other ambitious plans to improve Decorah.
“Some other things I hope to initiate include a Hall & Oates memorial cricket stadium, a road paved with old Bart Simpson dolls and, last but not least, I want to bring in a Waffle House,” said Fogerty. “If I can get all these things going, then I know everybody in America will want to come — unless you’re a terrorist. Or a Yankee’s fan.”
http://chips.luther.edu/themes/Chips/images/logo.png (http://chips.luther.edu/modules/news/article.php?storyid=5036)
Posted on 4/5/2007 12:00 AM
Rickshaws: Decorah’s cure-all
http://chips.luther.edu/files/2007-04-05/rickshaw.jpg
The public transportation woes of Decorah’s incontinent and socially awkward will be cured thanks to the mayor’s new “Work to Get Well” program. Starting June 20, the city will initiate the first ever rickshaw agenda in the nation.
The program will use some of the town’s more obese citizens and give them rickshaws to pull around. It will be used to combat the ever more prevalent obesity problem in the city.
“It’s the simplest, yet most ingenious plan I’ve ever had in my life,” said Decorah Mayor John “Col. Crud” Fogerty. “We get a bunch of fat people, hook them up to rickshaws and BAM! You got yourself public transportation and weight loss control.”
The program has been in the works for nearly one hundred years of solitude but was not initiated until the city council approved it last Monday. This was the third time it was proposed to the council and the first time it was passed. It had been defeated 2-20, 2-10, then finally won 2-0.
“It’s unfortunate that 20 members of the city council contracted SARS in order for the rickshaw program to be passed, but you can’t stand in the way of innovative ideas, cause if you do ...” said Fogerty, flashing a syringe labeled “Not SARS.”
The mayor is hopeful that the rickshaw program will cure all of the city’s problems. He is so optimistic that he has allotted 90 percent of the budget to it, leaving the other 10 percent for canned ravioli and Def Leppard albums.
“There is literally no way this program won’t work. The ingenuity is in the simplicity,” said Fogerty. “You pay a fat guy $10 and he’ll take you anywhere in Decorah in under four hours with three standard ‘hot dog breaks.’”
Some Decorah residents are less optimistic about this program. Local lardo Dave McDonuteater feels the mayor is impeding upon his basic human rights.
“I’m cool with carrying people around all day to different places for meager wages, but I do not want to be thin like all those other sad saps, what with their one chin and low cholesterol — that is just no fun at all,” said McDonuteater while munching on a stick of butter.
Others are optimistic about the rickshaws, hoping it will bring revenue to the town.
“Right now all we have is Nordic Fest and the McDonald’s with the flat screens,” said Josh Dansdill (‘09), Luther student and Decorah resident. “Now don’t get me wrong, that McDonald’s is pretty great, but not rickshaw great.”
The mayor thinks this program will give Decorah national recognition.
“Though I’ve never driven outside of Decorah, I can only guess that these rickshaws will make it the greatest town in America. Well, second only to Gary, Indiana,” said Dansdill.
The mayor has other ambitious plans to improve Decorah.
“Some other things I hope to initiate include a Hall & Oates memorial cricket stadium, a road paved with old Bart Simpson dolls and, last but not least, I want to bring in a Waffle House,” said Fogerty. “If I can get all these things going, then I know everybody in America will want to come — unless you’re a terrorist. Or a Yankee’s fan.”
http://chips.luther.edu/themes/Chips/images/logo.png (http://chips.luther.edu/modules/news/article.php?storyid=5036)